[The poem, the story here, is what is not written.]

From His Perspective

She asked for it.

Her Burning Man project made her insane
She expected me to carry the weight of her stress
      Which drove me away

My own projects fell to pieces
      Out of my control
I had helped her too much and lost time
And now her project is done
      And none of mine

Our relationship was breaking up anyway
I had asked her 
      a couple days before I went out
      and she postponed breaking up
      Saying she was not stable enough to handle it
      and the complications it would bring to camp
But I knew
      it was inevitable anyway

And here stands a whole woman
      Not this broken woman
      who caused her own demise
But I would never cheat on her, no
      I'm not that kind of guy
So I gently and lovingly
      asked for her permission
And she gave it

But suddenly
      once it was done
She did not live up to her answer
She went into a rage
Over nothing much

She cruelly ran away
      and worried the whole camp
She was out of her mind.
She was not rational.

And when I got home
      And try to crawl into bed to comfort her
She storms angrily away
      To the gentle calls of her name

And her terse emails
First saying I can crash on the couch
      And store my stuff until the end of Oct.
Then suddenly asking for the keys back
      Saying I would have to arrange ahead of time
      So she could sleep elsewhere
She packed all my stuff up herself
And now talks of putting it into storage
      Instead of letting me get it

She does not live up to her word

And she's moving her website
      From the machine I built
I had worked so hard for her too
And I'm quitting that project anyway

The thought of everything
This injustice
Puts me into a rage

Letters between me and Joy

Date: Sun, 12 Sep 1999 14:23:34 -0700
From: Joy Hill 
Subject: Phone Manners

No need to be rude to ME!
And no need to give me a phone number that doesn't work.

Date: Tue, 14 Sep 1999 20:54:57 -0700
From: Joy Hill 
Subject: Re: Leaving TTT

I think you should stop whining and feeling sorry for Kiki.
As ye sow, so shall ye reap.
And I think you should apologize for being rude to me on the phone last 
(What did I ever do to you, huh?)

Kiki wrote:

> Many of you know how stressed I have been over the firefall before and
> during Burning Man while working 60-70 hour weeks, not to mention losing
> my job, and my car, dislocating my wrist, etc seems Burning Man
> was the lens through which my life was focussed down and burnt to a
> devistating crisp. I am not recovering very well from it all.
> Now that George and I are no longer on speaking terms, I think it's best
> for *all* parties involved for me to simply leave the list quietly until
> I am a little more mentally stable. Please feel free to write me
> privately, and I hope soon to be able to answer my mail.
> I know the bad memories will one day fade, and I will remember this year
> for rides on the taxi, the crunchberry thief, and working on the largest
> single project I have ever accomplished in my life -- I will never do it
> again. :)
> I am still out of email contact [I'm using my roommate's account] and
> depending on my financial state, I hope to leave again for that lovely
> playa by the end of this week to help return it to it's former barren and
> empty state. So I may be entirely out of contact for a while, even by
> phone.
> Thanx again to all my friends who have supported me and suffered my tears,
> and half-crazed raving, esp. Phil, Will and Dan, Scott, and my
> ever-amazing roommate Dave.
> Kiki

Date: Sun, 19 Sep 1999 07:46:48 -0700
From: Joy Hill 
Subject: Re: Leaving TTT

Kiki: Apology accepted.

But listen carefully: "Lashing out harshly" is not an accurate characterization of my email to you. 
I simply pointed out something I had observed that you needed to hear. 
And I'm disappointed in the Kiki I thought I knew.

If you allow your life to make casualties of your relationships with "two 
people...[you] ..cared very deeply for", you cannot rightly turn around and 
blame them for being insensitive. That's whining.

Your hurt is valid. It always hurts when a person's life unravels and must be 
rewoven. What is invalid is making a public spectacle of your hurt and 
implying that what has happened to your life is other people's responsibility, 
not yours. 

You need to put some effort into being grateful that anybody asked your 
permission for anything - that is a higher level of consideration and caring 
than most people can expect when they are in the process of driving off their 
friends/lovers by their own inner turmoil (which they don't/won't/can't deal 

Anger? From me? All you did to me is be rude once on a Sunday morning. 
And that's not worthy of my anger. Mild annoyance for maybe 10 minutes. 
Anger was (and is) in YOU and it spilled over onto me. 

No, Kiki, you got that wrong. Stop seeing anger where it isn't. 
And running from it where it is. You are afraid of anger, but anger is a 
legitimate human emotion, and cannot be denied forever. Learn to deal with it 
- in others and particularly in yourself. 

Look in yourself. And accept responsibilty for what's there. 
You may be beautiful, bright, creative, and talented, but you're too old to be 
running around blaming others and crying in public.

PS: I am sending a copy of this dialog to the two VERY considerate people you 
have insulted by your public statements. Be grateful that I do not share it 
with the whole TTT list, as you did. 

Kiki wrote:

> I do apologize. And I'm sorry I wasn't able to answer your mail for so
> long. I'm still without my own internet connection -- I'm sure it must
> have felt like I was not speaking to you on purpose.
> Right when you called, I had just woken up screaming from a horrible dream
> about Trish, and I had been crying and crying. I was shaken, and not
> fully awake, and people had been calling and calling all week for George,
> and I really didn't mean to be so brusk. So I could see how that might
> have been misconstrued as anger towards you somehow -- I didn't feel angry
> at you. I can be a hard person to read, and I'm really sorry it came out
> harshly. I certainly have no ill feelings towards you nor Liz...nor Igor.
> :)
> The firefall *really* took every last ounce of strength I had in me -- not
> to mention everything else that has happened in the last month. I'm still
> caught off-guard how strongly things affect me right now, and how easily I
> fall to pieces. I'm used to being in control of myself. Even during the
> wind-storm I was able to hold everything together, but by that wednesday
> morning the firefall had broken me. I was utterly at the limit of my
> strength, and I have still not recovered.
> Emotionally, I am a person that runs deep. I love very deeply -- it's a
> virtue as well as a fault -- and I am hurt just as deeply. What happened
> between me and George happened at a time I had no strength left -- when I
> needed his support the most, even if only as a friend. Maybe it was
> already ending between us, maybe I gave my [admittedly reluctant]
> permission, but in the end, you have to admit it was pretty insensitive of
> him considering he knew the state I was in at the time. I had never felt
> so hurt nor abandoned in all my life -- and by two people I cared very
> deeply for.
> Calling me a whiner invalidates that I could be hurt or stressed at all --
> no one's feelings should be trivialized like that. People feel what they
> feel with honesty. I'm sorry my words drove you to the point of lashing
> out so harshly. I think you're a cool person, and those words cut into my
> heart pretty deeply.
> Anyway, again, I apologize if it felt like I took it out on you that
> morning. I am still not at all myself right now and I'm having a hard
> time being careful how I phrase things and tend to blurt things out
> without control. Now that I'm home, I *still* have so much work to do to
> get my life back together -- it's going to take some time, and until then
> what I need most from my friends is patience.
> Also, you are George's mom, and it is your privilage and duty to be there
> for him with your love and support. For that reason I think it best we
> keep our distance as friends until things settle down. [If you can even
> consider me a friend at this time...]
> With love and respect,
> Kiki
> PS Cooperative Digital's phone number is 510-THE-COOP or 510-843-2667.
> [George's extention is 104.] I thought they used to have 1-800-THE-COOP
> -- I had figured it would be the easiest number for you while on the road
> -- but I tried it and it doesn't work. Sorry for the mixup.

Date: Sun, 19 Sep 1999 22:26:38 +0000 (GMT)
From: Kiki 
Subject: Re: Leaving TTT

We come from such different worlds. Much like me and George. That's why
our relationship was so difficult for us both.

I agree with some points, I understand how you could believe in others, 
and disagree on others. But I don't think there is any common ground 
between us. Again, the same for George. This is why it is best to 
separate cleanly rather than continue to hurt eachother. 

Thank you for sharing your words and your concerns. They give me much to 
think about. 


Here's a David Wilcox song that seems appropriate...

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