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From His Perspective
She asked for it.
Her Burning Man project
made her insane
She expected me to carry the weight of her stress
Which drove me away
My own projects fell to pieces
Out of my control
I had helped her too much and lost time
And now her project is done
And none of mine
Our relationship was breaking up anyway
I had asked her
a couple days before I went out
and she postponed breaking up
Saying she was not stable enough
to handle it
and the complications it would bring
to camp
But I knew
it was inevitable anyway
And here stands a whole woman
Not this broken woman
who caused her own demise
But I would never cheat on her, no
I'm not that kind of guy
So I gently and lovingly
asked for her permission
And she gave it
But suddenly
once it was done
She did not live up to her answer
She went into a rage
Over nothing much
She cruelly ran away
and worried the whole camp
She was out of her mind.
She was not rational.
And when I got home
And try to crawl into bed to comfort
her
She storms angrily away
To the gentle calls of her name
And her terse emails
First saying I can crash on the couch
And store my stuff until the end
of Oct.
Then suddenly asking for the keys back
Saying I would have to arrange ahead
of time
So she could sleep elsewhere
She packed all my stuff up herself
And now talks of putting it into storage
Instead of letting me get it
She does not live up to her word
And she's moving her website
From the machine I built
I had worked so hard for her too
And I'm quitting that project anyway
The thought of everything
This injustice
Puts me into a rage |
Letters between me and Joy
Date: Sun, 12 Sep 1999 14:23:34 -0700
From: Joy Hill
Subject: Phone Manners
No need to be rude to ME!
And no need to give me a phone number that doesn't work.
joy
Date: Tue, 14 Sep 1999 20:54:57 -0700
From: Joy Hill
Subject: Re: Leaving TTT
I think you should stop whining and feeling sorry for Kiki.
As ye sow, so shall ye reap.
And I think you should apologize for being rude to me on the phone
last
Sunday.
(What did I ever do to you, huh?)
Kiki wrote:
> Many of you know how stressed I have been over the firefall
before and
> during Burning Man while working 60-70 hour weeks, not to mention
losing
> my job, and my car,
dislocating my wrist, etc etc...it seems Burning Man
> was the lens through which my life was focussed down and burnt to
a
> devistating crisp. I am not recovering very well from it all.
>
> Now that George and I are no longer on speaking terms, I think it's
best
> for *all* parties involved for me to simply leave the list quietly
until
> I am a little more mentally stable. Please feel free to write me
> privately, and I hope soon to be able to answer my mail.
>
> I know the bad memories will one day fade, and I will remember this
year
> for rides on the taxi, the crunchberry thief, and working on the
largest
> single project I have ever accomplished in my life -- I will never
do it
> again. :)
>
> I am still out of email contact [I'm using my roommate's account]
and
> depending on my financial state, I hope to leave again for that lovely
> playa by the end of this week to help return it to it's former barren
and
> empty state. So I may be entirely out of contact for a while, even
by
> phone.
>
> Thanx again to all my friends who have supported me and suffered
my tears,
> and half-crazed raving, esp. Phil, Will and Dan, Scott, and my
> ever-amazing roommate Dave.
>
> Kiki
Date: Sun, 19 Sep 1999 07:46:48 -0700
From: Joy Hill
Subject: Re: Leaving TTT
Kiki: Apology accepted.
But listen carefully: "Lashing out harshly" is not an accurate characterization
of my email to you.
I simply pointed out something I had observed that you needed to hear.
And I'm disappointed in the Kiki I thought I knew.
If you allow your life to make casualties of your relationships with
"two
people...[you] ..cared very deeply for", you cannot rightly turn around
and
blame them for being insensitive. That's whining.
Your hurt is valid. It always hurts when a person's life unravels and
must be
rewoven. What is invalid is making a public spectacle of your hurt
and
implying that what has happened to your life is other people's responsibility,
not yours.
You need to put some effort into being grateful that anybody asked your
permission for anything - that is a higher level of consideration and
caring
than most people can expect when they are in the process of driving
off their
friends/lovers by their own inner turmoil (which they don't/won't/can't
deal
with).
Anger? From me? All you did to me is be rude once on a Sunday morning.
And that's not worthy of my anger. Mild annoyance for maybe 10 minutes.
Anger was (and is) in YOU and it spilled over onto me.
No, Kiki, you got that wrong. Stop seeing anger where it isn't.
And running from it where it is. You are afraid of anger, but anger
is a
legitimate human emotion, and cannot be denied forever. Learn to deal
with it
- in others and particularly in yourself.
Look in yourself. And accept responsibilty for what's there.
You may be beautiful, bright, creative, and talented, but you're too
old to be
running around blaming others and crying in public.
joy
PS: I am sending a copy of this dialog to the two VERY considerate people
you
have insulted by your public statements. Be grateful that I do not
share it
with the whole TTT list, as you did.
Kiki wrote:
> I do apologize. And I'm sorry I wasn't able to answer your mail for
so
> long. I'm still without my own internet connection -- I'm sure it
must
> have felt like I was not speaking to you on purpose.
>
> Right when you called, I had just woken up screaming from a horrible
dream
> about Trish, and I had been crying and crying. I was shaken, and
not
> fully awake, and people had been calling and calling all week for
George,
> and I really didn't mean to be so brusk. So I could see how that
might
> have been misconstrued as anger towards you somehow -- I didn't feel
angry
> at you. I can be a hard person to read, and I'm really sorry it came
out
> harshly. I certainly have no ill feelings towards you nor Liz...nor
Igor.
> :)
>
> The firefall *really* took every last ounce of strength I had in
me -- not
> to mention everything else that has happened in the last month. I'm
still
> caught off-guard how strongly things affect me right now, and how
easily I
> fall to pieces. I'm used to being in control of myself. Even during
the
> wind-storm I was able to hold everything together, but by that wednesday
> morning the firefall had broken me. I was utterly at the limit of
my
> strength, and I have still not recovered.
>
> Emotionally, I am a person that runs deep. I love very deeply --
it's a
> virtue as well as a fault -- and I am hurt just as deeply. What happened
> between me and George happened at a time I had no strength left --
when I
> needed his support the most, even if only as a friend. Maybe it was
> already ending between us, maybe I gave my [admittedly reluctant]
> permission, but in the end, you have to admit it was pretty insensitive
of
> him considering he knew the state I was in at the time. I had never
felt
> so hurt nor abandoned in all my life -- and by two people I cared
very
> deeply for.
>
> Calling me a whiner invalidates that I could be hurt or stressed
at all --
> no one's feelings should be trivialized like that. People feel what
they
> feel with honesty. I'm sorry my words drove you to the point of lashing
> out so harshly. I think you're a cool person, and those words cut
into my
> heart pretty deeply.
>
> Anyway, again, I apologize if it felt like I took it out on you that
> morning. I am still not at all myself right now and I'm having a
hard
> time being careful how I phrase things and tend to blurt things out
> without control. Now that I'm home, I *still* have so much work to
do to
> get my life back together -- it's going to take some time, and until
then
> what I need most from my friends is patience.
>
> Also, you are George's mom, and it is your privilage and duty to
be there
> for him with your love and support. For that reason I think it best
we
> keep our distance as friends until things settle down. [If you can
even
> consider me a friend at this time...]
>
> With love and respect,
>
> Kiki
>
> PS Cooperative Digital's phone number is 510-THE-COOP or 510-843-2667.
> [George's extention is 104.] I thought they used to have 1-800-THE-COOP
> -- I had figured it would be the easiest number for you while on
the road
> -- but I tried it and it doesn't work. Sorry for the mixup.
Date: Sun, 19 Sep 1999 22:26:38 +0000 (GMT)
From: Kiki
Subject: Re: Leaving TTT
We come from such different worlds. Much like me and George. That's
why
our relationship was so difficult for us both.
I agree with some points, I understand how you could believe in others,
and disagree on others. But I don't think there is any common ground
between us. Again, the same for George. This is why it is best to
separate cleanly rather than continue to hurt eachother.
Thank you for sharing your words and your concerns. They give me much
to
think about.
Kiki |